I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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