His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
