what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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