After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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