you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
