I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
