I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
