He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I need to align my fucking chakras
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
