genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just want to make out with him forever
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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