i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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