Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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