Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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