Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
