Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
