It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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