I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
