I puked a lego.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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