I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Holy shit dude........stairs
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
