i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
