you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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