im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
