Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
