I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
This beer is not sobering me up at all
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
