tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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