so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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