My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
