apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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