I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
