I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I AM VODKA MAN
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
