I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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