Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
