you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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