Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
