So drunk, too bad you don't want this
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
