Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
