There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
you had me at cake vodka
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You need a sexual gate keeper
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
