he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
