were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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