i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
