at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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