I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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