Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
