just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
