fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
