He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
