bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
