I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
