y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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