I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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