glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
